what the??? 12 weeks gone already?
Talk about a blur. The last 12 weeks have flown by - and I'm not looking forward to returning to work next Tuesday. Boo hiss. I'm sad about it. Sad in a way I've never felt before because I'm leaving this tiny person who is totally dependent on me for food, love, cuddling, burping, changing and so on. I'm leaving her for office politics, chats at the watercooler, demanding publishers and sometimes-crabby coworkers. The babe will end up with a daycare provider who gets to see her all day - has to feed her via bottle and divides her time among the other daycare kids at her home. So who's going to see every little smile, the way the dimples sometimes show up when she smiles really big. Will she laugh for the first time at daycare? Will the daycare lady know that after the babe eats, she likes to stand up (with help) and smile at you - and occasionally foo foo or poop? Then you get a big smile! I know these things. Me. And I'm not going to be there.
I'm tearing up even typing this. It's the strangest thing. So I never really knew I'd be cut out for this mommy stuff. But I love it. I love the little bubbles she makes with her mouth and how they sometimes grow into big bubbles and slide down her chin. I love how she is just starting to clasp her hands together and how cute it looks. And now she's learning to bat at toys hanging above her - and how she reaches out with her pudgy little hand to grab my shirt when I'm feeding her. When I'M feeding her. Daycare lady said to bring the babe to her early on Tuesday. Dear Hubby will be there with me - he'll probably have to drag me from her home kicking & screaming. I'll show up early and have to hand my little creature over to someone I've met only twice - and trust that she will do a good job. That sucks. What if I miss something? I WILL miss something! Wow. I had no idea how hard this would be. Now I knew this day would come - but how the hell did it come so fast?
People say - oh, you'll like going back to work. Or, it'll be good for you. Yea. FU. I might like to go back to work a couple hours a day - but my little peapod will be smiling at someone else for 9 hours a day! I'll have her at home in the evenings, but that's not enough.
I love how she smiles up at me from her crib - and kicks her legs excitedly when I talk to her. So how weird is this: I want the daycare lady to do a good job - great job even. But I don't want the babe to smile at her like she does to me. But I want her to smile because that means the babe is happy. Oh, how contradictory. This really bites.
Hoping my feelings change - but when a baby has so many changes in a year - and I'll be at work for a majority of her wakeful hours - I can't help but feel regret at leaving my tiny babe with a stranger.
*sigh*
I'm tearing up even typing this. It's the strangest thing. So I never really knew I'd be cut out for this mommy stuff. But I love it. I love the little bubbles she makes with her mouth and how they sometimes grow into big bubbles and slide down her chin. I love how she is just starting to clasp her hands together and how cute it looks. And now she's learning to bat at toys hanging above her - and how she reaches out with her pudgy little hand to grab my shirt when I'm feeding her. When I'M feeding her. Daycare lady said to bring the babe to her early on Tuesday. Dear Hubby will be there with me - he'll probably have to drag me from her home kicking & screaming. I'll show up early and have to hand my little creature over to someone I've met only twice - and trust that she will do a good job. That sucks. What if I miss something? I WILL miss something! Wow. I had no idea how hard this would be. Now I knew this day would come - but how the hell did it come so fast?
People say - oh, you'll like going back to work. Or, it'll be good for you. Yea. FU. I might like to go back to work a couple hours a day - but my little peapod will be smiling at someone else for 9 hours a day! I'll have her at home in the evenings, but that's not enough.
I love how she smiles up at me from her crib - and kicks her legs excitedly when I talk to her. So how weird is this: I want the daycare lady to do a good job - great job even. But I don't want the babe to smile at her like she does to me. But I want her to smile because that means the babe is happy. Oh, how contradictory. This really bites.
Hoping my feelings change - but when a baby has so many changes in a year - and I'll be at work for a majority of her wakeful hours - I can't help but feel regret at leaving my tiny babe with a stranger.
*sigh*
posted by Anna at 4/26/2006 09:33:00 PM
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