what the??? 12 weeks gone already?

Talk about a blur. The last 12 weeks have flown by - and I'm not looking forward to returning to work next Tuesday. Boo hiss. I'm sad about it. Sad in a way I've never felt before because I'm leaving this tiny person who is totally dependent on me for food, love, cuddling, burping, changing and so on. I'm leaving her for office politics, chats at the watercooler, demanding publishers and sometimes-crabby coworkers. The babe will end up with a daycare provider who gets to see her all day - has to feed her via bottle and divides her time among the other daycare kids at her home. So who's going to see every little smile, the way the dimples sometimes show up when she smiles really big. Will she laugh for the first time at daycare? Will the daycare lady know that after the babe eats, she likes to stand up (with help) and smile at you - and occasionally foo foo or poop? Then you get a big smile! I know these things. Me. And I'm not going to be there.
I'm tearing up even typing this. It's the strangest thing. So I never really knew I'd be cut out for this mommy stuff. But I love it. I love the little bubbles she makes with her mouth and how they sometimes grow into big bubbles and slide down her chin. I love how she is just starting to clasp her hands together and how cute it looks. And now she's learning to bat at toys hanging above her - and how she reaches out with her pudgy little hand to grab my shirt when I'm feeding her. When I'M feeding her. Daycare lady said to bring the babe to her early on Tuesday. Dear Hubby will be there with me - he'll probably have to drag me from her home kicking & screaming. I'll show up early and have to hand my little creature over to someone I've met only twice - and trust that she will do a good job. That sucks. What if I miss something? I WILL miss something! Wow. I had no idea how hard this would be. Now I knew this day would come - but how the hell did it come so fast?
People say - oh, you'll like going back to work. Or, it'll be good for you. Yea. FU. I might like to go back to work a couple hours a day - but my little peapod will be smiling at someone else for 9 hours a day! I'll have her at home in the evenings, but that's not enough.
I love how she smiles up at me from her crib - and kicks her legs excitedly when I talk to her. So how weird is this: I want the daycare lady to do a good job - great job even. But I don't want the babe to smile at her like she does to me. But I want her to smile because that means the babe is happy. Oh, how contradictory. This really bites.
Hoping my feelings change - but when a baby has so many changes in a year - and I'll be at work for a majority of her wakeful hours - I can't help but feel regret at leaving my tiny babe with a stranger.
*sigh*

The cutest baby ever!

OK. I've got a cute kid. I know I'm biased - but seriously - she's gorgeous. Gerber cute even. My little 12 pound princess! Today was Easter and baby G wore a stunning party dress. It was white with pink flowers. She had matching bloomers, white tights and a pretty white sweater. She also wore a pink bonnet with a bow. Now that she's smiling huge smiles and showing off her sometimes-there dimples, she's just so much fun! I hate that in the next few weeks I'll be going back to work. I'm just not sure how I'll be able to do that. Besides the getting up at a certain time every day and getting us both ready and out the door and dropped off to daycare and then getting me to work all by 8 a.m. Should be interesting... I'm not looking forward to it. She's just getting to be so pudgy and sweet and cute. We coo and gurgle back and forth to each other, we look deep into each other's eyes and smile big smiles. It's wonderful and it nearly brought tears to my eyes when tonight I kept making my lips the shape of an 0 and saying whooo (like an owl) very softly to her. After a few minutes of her studying my mouth - she put her lips into an 0 and said whooo right back to me! I was so excited! We went back and forth several times before I had to run to the other room with her and show everyone else. But, alas, it was like Michigan J. Frog... she only performed for me. It was real and it was wonderful! So this is the kind of stuff I can't bear to think I'm missing while I'll be at work. Lucky daycare lady.
Anyway, here's a picture of me and my little darling on her first Easter Sunday.

Mommydom

Here we are - we're already 1/4 of the way through 2006! Hard to belive, huh?
I'm a very exciting person these days... and you'd never know it because I've been too busy to post to my blog. Well, I'm a new mommy to the most beautiful little girl I've ever seen in my whole life. She's perfect and so so sweet. Her daddy and I love her so much.
Our little peapod joined the world on Feb 7th at 10:33 a.m.

Here's a little rundown of how labor and delivery went. *Warning* I'm going to be very descriptive... There may be some language here that you might not want to read....

OK here goes. I began having some mild contractions on the eve of Feb 6th after a rather bland dinner and then my husband went and got us each a DQ Blizzard. Yum. I had Heath. Seeing as how I was very uncomfortable and VERY pregnant... I was researching online ways to encourage labor. One of these ways was to have sex. That was the last thing on my mind right then, but I was willing to go for it if it meant having the baby sooner rather than later. My husband agreed to try this way of inducing labor. Apparently it worked. My contractions began getting stronger and stronger and I wasn't sleeping very well. At about 3 a.m. I told my husband that we should maybe start to time the contractions. He was out of it and told me he was sleeping. So I tried to time them but I kept dozing off. Then at 4:20 a.m. I awoke suddenly when I felt a gush of fluid - that's right - my water broke at home. So I panicked instantly and hit my hubby and told him that my water broke. He threw back the covers, jumped out of bed, flipped the light on and ran into the hallway yelling, "well let's go then!" He was running to get the suitcase and I was still stuck in bed trying to roll myself out! I yelled after him and asked if he could help me up at least. I called the hospital and told them we'd be on our way soon and asked if they thought I would have time for a shower, since I felt pretty gross at that point. They said sure. So I got into the shower, my husband is getting the bags in the car and trying to call his parents. I called my parents and my mom said, "Oh Anna, today is going to be your baby's birthday!" I thought that was pretty sweet.
My contractions were beginning to get stronger - and I started feeling like I had an upset stomach. I had a bad case of bad tummy at that point and spent a long time in the bathroom before we left for the hospital. In the car on the way, the contractions started getting really intense and more often. I had four big ones on the way. I thought I would just walk into the hospital - but I had hubby drive me right into the emergency doors and the staff ran out with a wheelchair. They asked what was going on and I said, "I'm in labor!" They wheeled me to the delivery floor and I changed into a gown. The resident checked me and said I was already at 5.5 cm! They asked what kind of pain relief options I was thinking of and I said I wanted the epidural. They drew some blood to check on some things before they called the anesthesiologist, and then started an IV. So I never really thought of what might happen if I couldn't get the epidural. You see, there was an open heart surgery that morning and an emergency c-section. So the anesthesiologists were busy with those surgeries and didn't have time to come upstairs to give me my epidural. I couldn't believe it! I was in a great deal of pain and they finally got me a para-cervical block which dulled most of the pain for about an hour. By the time it wore off, they told me I was ready to push. I couldn't believe it because I started pushing at 8 a.m. Remember my bad tummy from earlier? Well, it continued on for some time while I was pushing. Eew. I was so embarrassed, I kept apologizing to the nurse.
I was also having very very painful back labor because the baby was facing sunny-side up and that causes contractions to be mostly felt in your lower back. Not fun. They had me pushing holding my own legs - but geez I'm tired here and I can't hold anything! So we tried on my side, and then with a bar that goes over the bed, and neither of those were really working. Then the nurse took a blanket and tied a knot in opposite corners and I had one knot and my husband or the nurse took turns hanging onto the other knot. She told me to play tug of war when the contraction came and pull on the knot and push at the same time. Well that made serious progress. We continued on like that until the doctor arrived - just a few minutes before delivery. The doctor decided I needed an episiotomy and shortly after that, and after some tugging with a suction device on the baby's head, she was born. They said without the episiotomy I would have had to push another 30 to 45 minutes and after 2 1/2 hours, they didn't know if I was strong enough to keep going. I don't know either!
Unfortunately, things went so quickly that my mom, who we asked to be in the room with us, was still in the waiting room. When she arrived, I was in the embarrassing part of labor (described above) and I just couldn't have her seeing me doing that. And I was in a great deal of pain. I was waiting for the epidural to be given so I would have some relief and then I would have been ok with her coming into the room. I had no idea the baby would be born so fast and I feel awful that she wasn't in the room with us. She was so disappointed and my sister told me later that my mom went out and bought all kinds of things to help me through labor and had them with her when she came to the hospital. I'm so sorry I refused to let her in when she got there -- my husband told me I was wrong to keep her out of the room, but it's the decision I made when I was in a ton of pain and not really thinking of the long-term. She missed it. Missed the birth of her first grandchild. I have such guilt about the decision. It was so awful to see how disappointed she was when my husband finally went out and told everyone what we had and then I was all taken care of and the 4 grandparents were asked to come into the room and see the little one. My dad was the first to hold her, then hubby's parents, and my mom wasn't even there! She had gone down to the gift shop because she felt so awful and bought me a beautiful little flower basket welcoming the little girl. I've cried quite a bit over the decision and just seeing her disappointment. Also overhearing my dad tell my sister that my mom felt cheated and was upset that it seemed that we didn't need her. It was truly awful on one of the best days of my life. I still get a little weepy when I talk about it.
She was able to help me out though the first time I went to nurse my baby girl. She was very helpful and maybe it helped.
Two months has passed now and I think we're OK now, but I'm sure it'll always be a part of that day.
Either way, we welcomed our little miracle. She's just precious. Got to run - she's crying!